PrincessBob CelestiaPants: Life of Crime
by addisonchristopher1
Summary: Celestia and Cadence "borrow" a balloon. But it pops before they can give it back.


[It's open time at the Canterlot Castle. A shot of the building is taken. A voice comes on from the television playing inside the Canterlot Castle]  
TV Announcer: And now, back to Pony Crime Theatre!  
[Cut to shot of B/W TV show with a pony sleeping on the ocean floor wearing a traditional pony necklace. A bigger pony shows up, laughing menacingly, and steals the little pony's necklace. The little pony wakes up suddenly. The bigger pony runs away]  
Little Pony: Stop! Thief!  
[Some policemen show up]  
Cop #1: Which way did she go?  
Little Pony: [pointing to the direction the thief ran] She went that way!  
Policemen: Let's get em, girls!  
[The policemen run after the thief and catch her. Cut to shot of jail bars going down with the pony thief behind it]  
Thief: Curses! Foiled again!  
[Cut to shot of Lord Solaris [Celestia`s farther in my book], Celestia and Cadance watching the television]  
Lord Solaris: What a no-good pony-in-a-field that stallion was. There ain't nothing worse than a thief. Thieves need to be locked up forever.  
Celestia: But, Lord Solaris, what about all the stuff you stole?  
Lord Solaris: What do you mean?  
Celestia: [points to barrel Lord Solaris is standing on] Like that barrel. It says property of Apple Acre Farms.  
Lord Solaris: [jumps off of barrel] Oh, that's where I rent my apples from.  
Celestia: Are you renting the barrel, too?  
Lord Solaris: Well, no.  
Celestia: Then you bought it?  
Lord Solaris: No.  
Celestia: Then, isn't that stealing?  
Lord Solaris: Well, I, uhh…  
Cadance: [holds up towel from the "Aloe and Lotus Spa"] What about this towel from the Ponyville Spa?  
Lord Solaris: Umm…  
Celestia: [holds up phone] …And this Equestrian phone?  
Lord Solaris: Well, I…  
Cadance: [holds up hedge clippers] …And Applejack's hedge clippers?  
Lord Solaris: Oh, there…  
Celestia: [holds up spiky mower] …And Chrysalis's lawn mower?  
Lord Solaris: Well, she…  
Celestia: [holds up hair curlers] Even Rarity's mane curlers?  
Lord Solaris: [grabs it] That one was a gift! Listen, all that stuff is, uhh, borrowed!  
Celestia: Borrowed? Well, that's a relief. I thought you took it without permission.  
Lord Solaris: Ahh, permission's permission. You can borrow anything you want, anytime, as long as if you give it back before it's missed. Everypony knows that. Right?  
Celestia & Cadance: [raises hoove in air] O.k.  
Lord Solaris: All right then! [Hugs them] Hugs! [Shoves them out of the C.C] You put in a hard day's work, princesses.  
Cadance: But I don't work here!  
Lord Solaris: See you later! [Takes out Spitfire's hair curlers] Oh, that was a close one.  
[Bubbles go up as the scene changes to Ponyville Park, where ponies are frolicking and gamboling around. Celestia and Cadance walk around slouching, making them look like idiots'. They talk like one, too]  
Celestia: What do you want to do today?  
Cadance: I don't know. What do you want to do today?  
Celestia: I don't know. What do you want to do today?  
Cadance: I don't know. What do you want to do today?  
Celestia: I don't know. What do you want to do today?  
[Cadance stops after seeing a balloon cart]  
Cadance: [gasp] I know what I want to do today! I need some bits. [Cadance looks in both her empty pockets, and then decides to look in her belly button. All that is there are some lint, a paper clip and a ticket] Oh, I don't have any bits. [Pleading to Celestia] Celestia, I want a balloon really, really badly! [Her eye veins start growing] REALLY, REALLY BADLY! [Backs off]  
Celestia: It's okay, Cadance. There's lots of bits in the First National Bank of Celesta. [Makes a rainbow appear out of nowhere. They jump on the rainbow and travel to the other side, where a black pot can be found. Celestia picks it up and turns it over. Nothing]  
Celestia: Uh oh, I'm broke, too. Maybe we could borrow bits from Luna?  
Cadance: No, wait! Instead of borrowing the bits, why don't we just borrow the balloon?  
Celestia: Yeah, like Lord Solaris!  
Cadance: It's just borrowing, right?  
Celestia: Yeah, and borrowing is okay as long as we bring it back, right?  
Cadance: Right!  
[Celestia swiftly, but smoothly grabs the balloon while the balloon salesman gives a kid a balloon. They run off to ponyville to play with it]  
Cadance: This is so great!  
Celestia: We're going to have so much fun! First we can run with the balloon!  
Cadance: Yeah, then we can go to the beach with the balloon!  
Celestia: Yeah, then we can take a bike ride with the balloon, then we can go to the movies and the arcade and the ice rink and the pizza shop!  
Cadance: And the moon and the sky and under a car, behind the dumpster!  
Celestia: And the candy shop!  
Cadance: And then my backyard!  
Celestia: And in a plane!  
Cadance: And over a rock!  
Celestia: And under a hill!  
Cadance: And with a whale!  
Celestia & Cadance: We love borrowing!  
[The balloon pops. Both look flabbergasted and sullen]  
Celestia: It popped?  
[Both take another look, still quiet. They realize that it popped and start screaming]  
Cadance: How are we going to return it now, Celestia?  
Celestia: [On the ground, picking up the balloon shards] I got the pieces!  
Cadance: [put her hooves in the, umm, "air"] I got the air!  
[The two hectically try to put the two components back together, but can't]  
Celestia: We popped the balloon! We can't return it! We're thieves! We have to confess.  
Cadance: Confess? Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what they do to ponies like us? We're not talking about some dumb mail fraud scheme or a hijacking here, WE! STOLE! A BALLOON! [Everypony in town stares at the princesses; some try to avoid them altogether] And they're going to lock us up forever!  
Celestia: [covering Cadance's mouth so no one can hear her] You're right, we've just got to keep our heads. Act normal.  
[They start acting stupid, body jumping on the ground, wailing and pulling their selves by their tongue]  
Rarity: Wow, street performers!  
[A crowd gathers around admiring the show. crowd cheering]  
Celestia & Cadance: [yelling] It's not working! Ah!  
[They run away, smacking into the balloon cart]  
Pinkie: Hi there!  
[They scream and run away. The salesman looks confused]  
Pinkie: Hay! Don't you want a free balloon? It's National Free Balloon Day!  
[Cut to Celestia and Cadance running]  
Cadance: She's onto us!  
Celestia: It's not safe for Equestria anymore. We've got to move fast and cover our tracks.  
Cadance: [running while carrying a can of red paint and making a line of red paint on the sand] I'm on it, Celestia!  
[Cut to the top of a cliff outside of Bikini Bottom. Celestia and Cadance are looking at the whole B.B. saddened]  
Celestia: Take a last look Cadance. We can never go back.  
Cadance: [waving] Good-bye Equestria.  
Celestia: [picking up hobo stick] We've only got ourselves and what we can carry on our backs.  
Cadance: [Picks up stick with the cloth wrapped around her kingdom] Yup.  
Celestia: We're going to have to travel lighter.  
[They walk off into the sunset. Cut to next scene. Celestia and Cadance are sitting next to a burning fire]  
Cadance: I wanna go home.  
Celestia: We can never go home, Cadance; We're wanted stallions. We'll spend the rest of our lives running...running, but at least it's warmer on the fire.  
[The fire dissolves]  
Cadance: I'm scared, Celestia.  
Celestia: No more nice, warm beds.  
Cadance: Uhh!  
Celestia: [saddened] No more cakes. No more getting mail. [Cadance sucks her hoove] No more Twilight. No more movies. No more Luna. No more Applejack or Shining Armor or Lord Solaris. No more anything!  
Cadance: [crying] I want ice cream!  
Celestia: [sniffling] But it doesn't have to be all bad, right? I mean, at least we have each other.  
Cadance: [losing sadness] Yeah!  
Celestia: And all that running is good for your buns and thighs, right? [A picture of a strong, muscular German stallion shows up. He is wearing nothing but flower-styled shorts]  
Muscle-Stallion: Ya! Buns and thighs.  
[Back to fire scene]  
Cadance: And the bitter cold, it's bracing, isn't it?  
Celestia: [looking like a cubic snowman] Yeah! Maybe being a felon could be… [breaks out of snowman] ...fun! [Loosening tie] We can loosen our ties.  
Cadance: Yeah! [Unloosens tie from her head. The tie was wrapped tightly on her temple. The air bubble stuck in there deflates. Cadance jumps, waving her hooves] And we can fly!  
Celestia: [jumping] Yeah!  
[Celestia jumps too close to the edge of the cliff and falls screaming and hits the ground with a thud]  
Celestia: [echoing from the bottom] Okay, but only with our wings. [Coming back to Cadance] But at least we don't have to shave.  
Cadance: I'm way ahead of you, auntie! [shows Celestia her hairy legs]  
Celestia: And you get to talk tough! [She puts on a 10-gallon hat, imitating a cowpony] This town ain't big enough for the two of us.  
Cadance: Uh, let me try: Uh...hay, punk. [Laughing at herself]  
Celestia: And the best part is: now that we're felons, we don't have to return anything we borrowed!  
Both: [jumping for joy] Yeah!  
Cadance: [points to Celestia] And we owe it all to you.  
Celestia: What are you talking about? Taking the balloon was your evil plan.  
Cadance: Doh, I'm nothing but a lot of talk, you're the one with the sticky fingers.  
Celestia: Ahh, Cadance, you're the best bad influence ever.  
Cadance: You, too! [Hugs] I wish we had something to eat, though!  
Celestia: [taking two chocolate bars out of her pants] Look what I've got.  
Cadance: [cheering] Rectangles!  
Celestia: Not just any rectangles...Candy bars. [Cadance stares at it, amazed]  
Cadance: Ohh!  
Celestia: All we have to do is make them last for the rest of our lives. [Gives one to Cadance]  
Cadance: Thanks Celestia. [Stupidly] I think I'll eat it now. [Takes big bite of the still-wrapped chocolate bar, finishes the rest and then sighs] I think I'll eat it now. [Takes another big bite, but realizes it's just her hoof] Oww! Where'd my candy bar go? [Starts digging in sand] I must have dropped it.  
Celestia: You just ate it, Cadance. It's all over your face.  
Cadance: [still looking] Where'd it go? I'm going to starve. [Digs a big hole] Where'd it go?  
[The sand from Cadance's digging-like-a-dog covers Celestia. Cadance's head pops up under Celestia]  
Cadance: I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [Looks up and sees Celestia with her candy bar] Ah hah!  
Celestia: What?  
Cadance: [jumps out of the hole, points at Celestia] You stole my candy bar!  
Celestia: No, I didn't.  
Cadance: Oh, so that's how it is, huh? Once a thief always a thief.  
Celestia: You ate yours, [points to her candy bar] this is mine.  
Cadance: You took my only food, [camera pans down to show Cadance's stomach blasting with cellulite] now I'm going to starve.  
Celestia: [nicely] Here Cadance, just take half of mine.  
Cadance: Yours? You mean mine.  
Celestia: Do you want it or what?  
Cadance: I don't want it unless you admit you took it.  
Celestia: This is my candy bar.  
Cadance: Liar, liar, plants for hire.  
Celestia: It's "pants on fire", Cadance.  
Cadance: Well, you would know, liar.  
Celestia: Well, if you're going to be that way, I'll eat it myself.  
Cadance: You better not!  
[Celestia rips open the wrapper]  
Cadance: [fiercely] I'm warning you!  
[Celestia takes the candy bar closer to her mouth swaying her tongue up and down]  
Cadance: Don't!  
[Celestia moves her tongue closer, barely touching the bar]  
Cadance: Stop it!  
[Celestia chomps lightly on the bar]  
Cadance: Don't! Ohh!  
[Celestia puts the bar in her wide opened mouth, her two teeth go across the surface of the bar, making a string line of chocolate]  
Cadance: [Enraged] Ahh!  
[Celestia puts the bar in her ear holes and moves them left to right]  
Cadance: No!  
[Celestia licks the bar all around while Cadance screams. Then Celestia eats the bar]  
Cadance: [angrily] You're a crazy pony! I should have expected this after the way you stole that balloon.  
Celestia: Did I, Cadance, did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?  
Cadance: Ohh, that's it!  
[Cadance stomps her hoof down on the firewood. The fire lights up again. Cadance screams]  
Cadance: First the balloon, now my candy bar. You're out of control! I...I... [menacingly] I'm telling on you!  
Celestia: [gasps] Not if I tell on you first! [runs away, toward the direction of the B.B. police department]  
Cadance: I'll beat you there. [runs. The two are in a daftly race to the police department]  
Celestia: You're going to get in trouble.  
Cadance: No, you are!  
[The two finally reach the B.B.P.D. gasping. They going inside and all start to talk at once]  
Celestia and Cadance: She.. When.. her... and the balloon.. and the boom... I...  
Officer Dashie: What can I do for you princesses?  
Both: [they look at each other] We stole a balloon! [they start crying. the policeman looks at them, confused. The second policeman comes up]  
Officer Fluttershy: What's the problem here?  
Officer Dashie: Well, it appears these two stole a balloon. (Cadance continues crying)  
Celestia: [stops crying] What are you going to do to us?  
[The policemen whisper to each other]  
Officer Dashie: Okay, follow me.  
[The two are taking into cell 2A and the door is shut on them] If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. [pauses for a few] Okay, time's up. [opens cell] Now, get out.  
Celestia: But...But...we stole a balloon.  
Officer Fluttershy: Yeah, on Free Balloon Day! [laughs with Rainbow Dash. Celestia and Cadance are dumbfounded. Cut to scene outside of the E.P.D]  
Officer Dashie: [brings out lollipops] How about some lollipops for the roads, princesses?  
[They take them]  
Celestia: Let's vow not to borrow anything without permission again.  
Cadance: You said it.  
[They put both their lollipops together, but Cadance's is already eaten. Cadance's mouth is covered with some lollipop residue]  
Cadance: All right! Which one of you flatfoots stole my lollipop? [Everypony starts laughing]  
Cadance: I mean it.


End file.
